*Important Disclaimer: This piece is meant as 100% fabricated political/sports satire intended purely for humourous purposes, and not to cause any reputational or other harm to any real person or place. All names and other particulars used in this piece are entirely fictional. That said, those of you who tend to get easily offended are requested to avoid reading any further.*
The election season in Vindia is really heating up now, and in a super exclusive interview with Ekalavyas last week, Vindian Prime Minister Nowitzki Moody has finally revealed the real reason why he contests elections from Teranasi. Here’s the “double primetime” “extra breaking” “ultra raging” interview available only on our platform, and not Repubic TV or Fumes Now, with our highly experienced political correspondent “Brown Mamba” (who never helps us out in real grassroots basketball journalism, but will jump at the opportunity of such glitzy, potentially high TRP interviews that take Indian basketball backward rather than forward)
Brown Mamba: Namaste Moodyji.
Brown Mamba: We were really surprised when you okayed our interview request. We kept trying to reach you for months, but could never get past the first level of the PR intern, let alone speak to your Secretary.
Moodyji: Well, election season has started and it looks like people are seeing through our jumlas. I thought our party was good in “fakes” but turns out that we end up breaking our own ankles in the process. I felt a final round of marketing push is needed beyond our core constituencies. Through your Ekalavyas platforms, I found out that the Indian basketball community is one of the fastest growing in India. So I thought, why not do some networking and make some new mitron on the basketball court? Because basketball players are supposed to be extremely passionate and loyal to the sport. I thought the time has come to make them loyal to me instead.
Brown Mamba: Okay. That makes sense. You are right in choosing our channel for this interview. Ekalavyas definitely has the #1 basketball viewership among all Indian audiences. (Turns to the cameras) This is not us saying it, but “independent” surveys done by our paid stooges at the Vindian Information and Broadcasting Commission.
Moodyji: Looks like you and I are cut from the same cloth.
Brown Mamba: For sure homie. Best part is that our cloth is dry fit with numerous holes- so that the sweat and the truth can both disappear.
Moodyji: Excellent. Please connect me to your merchandising partner.
Brown Mamba: Let’s not get ahead of ourselves. You were going to finally reveal to us why you have been contesting elections from Teranasi…but before that I need to call for a quick “commercial” break because I just bought myself a brand new second hand Porsche which I billed on my company credit card.
[After returning from the commercial break that featured numerous ads from companies all owned directly or indirectly by the Bumbani family]
Brown Mamba: Welcome back everybody! So Moodyji tell us. Why are you contesting elections from Teranasi, that too for the second straight time?
Moodyji: Well, just like all you ballers want to “be like Mike”, all us politicians want to “be like Barack”. I have been reading your fine journalism for many years now and learnt that Obama was a kickass baller back in the day. Initially I tried to absorb his powers through tight hugs, but that didn’t work. Next I tried playing myself but found the game to be very tough. It seems to require actual skills and athleticism unlike Vindia’s most popular game which mostly involves just standing around on the outfield removing dirt from your fingernails, while at any given time only 3-4 players seem to be doing all the work. Basketball looks damn cool and effortless, but it’s actually very hard to master. I was very good at the fakes because I have decades of real life experience with that, but I couldn’t actually put the ball in the basket. So I knew I had to mooch off the awesomeness of basketball in other ways.
I wanted to rebuild my image and perception in the media. And what better way to boost your image than to portray yourself as a “baller”? Ballers are the coolest people in the world. Initially I tried being a baller by working on my selfie “shooting” game with celebrities. But I kept landing bricks. Only then I realized that celebrities are great at cashing in on the insecurities of others and were simply using me for their own self-promotion and to ensure minimum Censor Board cuts for their movies. So I was like “screw promoting myself through celebrities”. I decided to get my own camera crew to shadow me and create yoga mixtapes to showcase my athleticism. But my yoga chops proved no match for the athleticism seen in your #BrownMenCanJump mixtapes.
So I was searching for answers. I then found out, again through your platform only, that Teranasi is the hub of some of the best basketball talent in India, and has produced numerous international players. Just like that, the self-marketing genius that I am, I put two and two together (speaking to himself and about himself in third person): ”Moodyji Teranasi se contest karo”.
Brown Mamba: That’s great. You’ve shown you have the “Brown Mamba Mentality“!
Moodyji: Hell yeah!
Brown Mamba: Have to hand it to you. At least you are putting effort into manipulating us. Your chief rival Rahul Goatee doesn’t even seem to be trying. He continues to believe he can win by simply riding on the fact that his surname has “GOAT” in it, so that people will confuse him for MJ and vote for him. All the policies he’s announced in his election manifesto are geared towards minority appeasement, even though Huslims, Krishtians and Doolits make up less than 24% of players in the ABA (Amethi Basketball Association).
Moodyji: I know right? If you are cheating people with old jumlas, you should at least have the decency of putting it in some fresh new Air Jordans. That’s the core of our ‘Brown Mamba Mentality’, which is to do whatever it takes to win an election, even if people call you selfish and not a team player.
Brown Mamba: Wow, you really are a quick study aren’t you? I coined the phrase “Brown Mamba Mentality”, and you have totally usurped it already for your devious political ends.
Moodyji: That’s how we roll dawg!!
Brown Mamba: Go easy with the baller lingo. Don’t forget you are from Badnagar, Gujarat. Hardik Pandya may have the soul of a black guy from a Baroda bronx, but when it comes to you, you can’t pull off cool beyond a particular point.
Moodyji (starting to get pissed): I didn’t make it this far only for you to remind me of my real roots.
Brown Mamba: Relax. No need to get “Moody”. I’m not Kiran Thapar. Anyway, thanks again for taking time off during this busy election season. That too for a totally “unscripted”, “off the cuff”, aggressive, “no holds barred” interview with a news channel that is known to regularly speak up against the party in power. I really never understood why these libtard news channels say you are afraid of facing the press.
Moodyji: I don’t get bothered by such presstitutes. Kuch toh log kahenge, logon ka kaam he kehna.
Brown Mamba: Okay folks, that’s it for n-
Moodyji: Wait wait, what about that customized jersey? You promised to hook me up with your merch vendor.
Brown Mamba: Oh yeah, sure. How do you want your jersey?
Moodyji: With my name printed both on the front and back. Make sure that my party name is nowhere to be seen.